Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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