So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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