Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
