threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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