You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
