The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
