ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
