fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
