we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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