i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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