fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
