btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Randomize
