My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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