you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We got so high we made milksteak
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
