you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
