you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The beer is more important than you right now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There's always time for handjobs
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
