When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
