You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We're too hungover to prance.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
