I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
