I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
