My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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