well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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