Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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