I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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