Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
