hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
