If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
