1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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