New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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