Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
