I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
