Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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