and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
