if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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