I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
