I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
