I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
