Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Randomize
