some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
