I seem to have left my pride at pride
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
