Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
