Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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