If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
