I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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