Cold hands, warm shart.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
