If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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