She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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