there's paper in my vomit.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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