did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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