Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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