Your mouth is God's brothel.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
